If you would have told me one year ago that my life would be the way it is now I would have laughed in disbelief. There have been great moments but I fear the not so great may surpass the great. You’re driving in your car while listening to your favorite artists and you think “this is it, this is my life”, but you are taken back when you become this person that you don’t even recognize. You lose out on your friendships that you spent so much time working on. You lose your connection with your sister, and you find yourself slowly losing yourself as well. I ask myself how I got from where I was to where I am and I am not proud. I don’t love who I am, and I am not proud of who I am becoming, I sit in my room and I sit on my bed and I often wonder how I can find myself again. I wonder what it would take for me to be happy again. Is it that I’ve lost myself completely or that I have completely lost myself in the midst of trying to find myself? I want to be the old me that thrives, but it feels like I am living in someone else’s shadow. I don’t feel like I’m living for myself but for someone else and I can’t seem to get myself out of feeling this way. I am tired of fighting my own thoughts. I am tired of being belittled. I am tired of feeling like I am not enough. I am not heard, nor am I seen for who I really am. I keep telling myself that I deserve better and that I deserve more than what I am being given but what if this is all that I deserve? What if I am stuck living a life that I don’t want and didn’t ask for.

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